By Bayo Adeyinka
I didn’t plan to write anything today. I’ve been on sabbatical. I wanted our 20th wedding anniversary to be a quiet one. I took my wife for a dinner date this evening and there was a slide put up on the wall to congratulate us for our 20th anniversary. A short while after, another banner was put up to celebrate another couple who sat opposite us. It was their 3rd anniversary.
As we got up to leave after our dinner, the young couple approached our table to greet us. When the lady complimented my wife for her beautiful looks and said it’s unbelievable that she still looks that dashing after 20 years, I turned to her husband and told him to observe carefully because someone will pass the same compliments to her wife when they clock 20. Meanwhile, no one will compliment him because he will look older as his wife would have ‘used’ him. All of us burst out in laughter.
Then the wife said, “I wonder how both of you have stayed together these 20 years with no one breaking their heads”. We all laughed and shook hands as we left. I truly wish I had the time to share a few lessons we learnt with the young couple right then. I made up my mind I will share a few tips for the benefit of others.
I got married at 27. My wife was about to clock 25. I had been working fo barely 2 years. My wife was writing her final project in the University when we married. She redeployed for her NYSC because we were married then. Over the past 20 years, we have learnt that marriage is a lot of hard work. It’s not a stroll in the park. Both parties must make up their minds to make it work.
Many get together because it’s love at first sight but commitment is stronger than love. I learnt about commitment when we waited for a child for the first 8 years. The easiest thing is to look for an exit when trouble comes but commitment will tell you both of you can face any challenge no matter how big. If you look for an easy way out, can you predict what will still happen with the next woman? Or man?
I learnt that a couple that farts together stays together. I mean that literally. Yes. Be silly with your wife. Be vulnerable with your husband. A relationship is as strong as it’s vulnerability. The more vulnerable you are, the more you love the person. Fart together. Engage in farting competition. It creates emotional bonding. If there’s no emotional bonding, you’re just room mates or house mates. Play together. Flirt together. See, you can’t be serious at work and be serious at home. Let down your guards. Be your wife’s clown. You are her crown already so that’s not contestable. Work on your sense of humour. Learn how to defuse potentially difficult moments.
I learnt what I consider the greatest lesson ever this past year. No matter how much you disagree, ensure you sleep in the same room. Of course, the only exception is when violence is involved. Sleep on the same bed. It’s time-tested. Your bodies can’t rub each other while you disagree for long. Some of the most complex situations have very simple solutions and often times, such solutions are found in between the sheets.
I learnt that your spouse should not come before your peace and joy. And your spouse cannot be the source of your peace and joy. Marriage cannot make you happy. If you’re not happy before marriage, marriage will only amplify the unhappiness. Happiness is an inside job. Deal with your issues before you get married. Otherwise, the issues will deal with your marriage.
I learnt about the power of words. Marriage started with words. The vows you took are words. So spouses need to understand the power of words. Speak right in your marriage. Correct in love. Avoid speaking based on assumption. Clarify before you speak. Make open ended statements to make room for clarification especially during conflicts. Discuss and not argue. There’s a difference.
Find mutual interests. Because of me, my wife is now a Chelsea fan. Though she prefers a private life, I drag her to Owambes. Find something you both can enjoy. And do them regularly.
Listen to your wife. Women are intuitive. Men thrive on logic but intuition can save where logic fails. If she warns you about a situation, please take heed. Listening to my wife has saved me from avoidable troubles.
I learnt that marriage is like a school. Learning never ends. We can grow if we choose to. We can learn new things and adapt. My natural forte is to read biographies, self-help, personal development and similar books. Recently, I’ve started reading books on marriage- and videos also. Anything can be improved with the right information. The choice is yours.
Be quick to apologize. Takes nothing from you. Apology is not an admittance of guilt but it will de-escalate a potential conflict. Sometimes, it’s futile to insist you’re right. You’re wrong if you always insist you’re right. There are some battles that are not worth fighting. Choose your battles carefully. Let your woman win. You win when she wins. Cede your strength at certain times. It is not every time your strength or macho is needed.
Take particular care of the major things that can cause problems in marriage. Communication. Sex. External factors. Finances. Openness in all these areas will help.
Both of you must have someone you respect and honour so much that can exercise accountability over you. This is the last resort when there are knotty issues you can’t resolve by yourselves. I don’t like external influence or involvement in my home but when you’re pushed to the wall, there must be someone who can counsel you.
You need to understand your spouse’s love language. For some it’s money. Others gifts. Or attention. Speak in the love language of your partner to avoid conflicts. If her love language is attention and you give her gifts, you will often wonder why she’s not receptive to you.
Marriage is about collaboration and not competition. Each person must understand their strengths and weaknesses. For instance, one person might be able to keep accounts or save better than the other person. Each person must play to their strengths so that weaknesses can be minimized. Be humble to submit where you have a weakness. Don’t abuse the other person for their weakness. Marriage is about differences.
Marriage is something you will work on for as long as you will both live. Your partner will continue to unravel. Sometimes, priorities change. Midlife crisis occurs. Hormonal changes happens. External crisis may impact the marriage. But if you both stick to your core values powered by your faith, you can enjoy your companionship together.
Bayo Adeyinka, a bank executive writes from Lagos.